I would do anything for my children. I chose to leave my marriage, and I'm sure that even though I openly discuss how and why I chose to leave, I still have a lot of guilt about breaking up their family. I have a lot of guilt about my ex, and the fact that he really loved his family, and he's lonely and misses us, even today.
I'm probably driven to give by this guilt, and it's a powerful drive inside that makes us go beyond reason, enabling me to justify the spending, because it feels good, and regardless of the balance in my bank account - aren't I entitled to feel good?
Last week was the straw that broke the camel's back. Nothing any more unusual than the past, but a few weeks go by that I don't pay attention to my balance, but I'm sure there's at least several hundred dollars in my account.
Till last Wednesday. 14 notices come in one day in the mail, telling me my account was now overdrawn by over $1000. 2 days left till pay day, and my check is going in via direct deposit, and I probably won't have more than $1500 left to pay over 3k worth of bills. I come home stressed out from the day, and the stress of the mail is more than I can handle. One minute I'm happy and laughing with the kids, the next I'm crying hysterically, with nobody to turn to or ask for help.
Asking for help - that's something I've never done. Important to know - I would heal the world before I healed myself. I would give to anyone who needed me, and I probably give too much. When the week gets too crazy, stressfull, etc. - I block out where I am financially, because it's too difficult to carry on my shoulders. And because I'm alone - nobody has to know.
But, this week is different. I finally feel the nudge by whatever any of us call our source - God. I am suddenly filled with the need to tell as many people as I can what I do, and ask for help from anyone who can give it. Because I'm all I have. I don't want to work till the day I die, and I have the tools to be successful.
So - where do I start? And how do I stop?
How to stop - where to start?
June 16th, 2007 at 02:25 pm
June 16th, 2007 at 03:56 pm 1182005779
June 18th, 2007 at 05:21 am 1182140509
June 18th, 2007 at 01:41 pm 1182170479
Although it may not amount to much, please don't feel guilty. They will love you no matter what you do, even if you decide to become frugal.
June 19th, 2007 at 02:51 am 1182217867
Thanks for the comment. I had actually been on your blog earlier, and found there were a lot of "reverse" similarities.
I was going to email you "offline", but didn't see your email address listed. Feel free to drop me a line at djballard@myacc.net. I could probably get some insight from you, and possibly even be able to give some insight back, if you were ever looking for any. Either way, we could productively compare notes. Thanks again!
Debbi