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Home > Getting clear and owning up

Getting clear and owning up

June 16th, 2007 at 02:12 pm

So, As I said - there are a whole lot of stories about how I got here. But they don't matter, cuz they're just stories. The fact of the matter is, I'm a complete dichotomy.

I'm the person friends and family look to for guidance, advice, leadership, stability, and more. On the outside, I'm completely competent, and most of my friends would give me their worldly possessions to care for, thinking I would of course do all the right things.

For the most part, I've done a lot of right things. But, I've done quite a few wrongs, that I keep hidden in a closet. I probably have quite a bit of shame about them, so the only way to exorcise these demons is to put them out there, make sense of them, make good choices and move on.

I don't know where this comes from, but I have always lived in financial denial. In college, I went away with a checking account, and wrote checks regardless of how much $$ was in them. When I couldn't keep up with the bounced check charges in one account, I went to another bank, opened a new account, and repeated the pattern, until no bank would have me.

When I married my ex, I was responsible for the $$. Even before the wedding, his parents gave us $2500 towards our expenses, and somehow it got spent before I ever used a dime of it on the wedding. I couldn't account for where any of it went, and spent years lying about what I did with it. I couldn't admit - I just spent it, and didn't have a clue on what or where.

Through the years, we went through so many highs and lows. In 1991, the worst year of our lives, I actually had to go to HRS and stand in line for food stamps. I was raised with a silver spoon in my mouth, and I was in line for food stamps. It was the most demeaning experience of my life. But even then, when we had an extra dollar, we spent it. If I had $5, I spent $7. If I had $1000, I spent $1200, if I had 30k, I spent 40. And so on..

Living on a budget didn't happen until there was no money left to spend. And getting close to that point of having no money left, brought me to the memory of the food stamp line, and so the way to avoid that feeling was to avoid logging on to my bank account, and getting my balance. If I continued to spend, I wouldn't be reminded that I was close to no money. And then the mail would come, with lots of little notices from the bank, saying I had gone way too far.

Each time, over the years, I pledge to change. But, the next day, there I am, taking the kids out to dinner, even after spending $100 on groceries for the week. Going for a mani/pedi, even when I have no idea if I have a dime in my bank account. This certainly isn't normal - or is it?

5 Responses to “Getting clear and owning up”

  1. moneycents Says:
    1182000459

    Hi,
    Welcome! Here you will find a lot of good advice from some of the friendliest and caring people. The only thing that I will tell you is that you really, really have to comittt to wanting and doing this. If not, it won't work. You have to put yourself into a mind set that you want to make a change. Start with baby steps so that it will not be too overwhelming. If you slide once in a while that is okay, just pick yourself up and continue. You won't be cheating anyone but yourself. The first thing to do is write down your goals. For example, pay off your debt, establish an emergencey fund, pay off your car loan or your mortgage, fund you kids tuition or at least be able to help. Once you prioritize and see this written out on paper you will have already started on your way. I have some good web links to the side of my blog. Try browsing through the authors archives, some of the stories are very inspiring. Good Luck!
    Lorie

  2. Debbi Says:
    1182000875

    Wow,
    Thanks, Lorie.

    I know exactly what you mean, and that is why I'm here. I've looked at a lot of personal finance blogs, and I find the most "real" people here. The fact that I am sitting here writing my first journals, and have already received one reply is really encouraging. I am going straight to your site, and would appreciate any advice, thoughts, or comments you have to offer. Thanks, again!
    Debbi

  3. Amber Says:
    1182004917

    I too have financial skeletons, I was living like the Jones' the great thing about it all is that I and you have both realized our mistakes and are willing to confront them

  4. Debbi Says:
    1182005275

    THANKS! Amber.
    Yes, I am. And it's great to have company here on this site!

  5. LuckyRobin Says:
    1182140166

    I think for a vast number of people the behavior you describe IS normal. Or at last the norm, here in America. It is what I consider extremely addictive behavior. A spending addiction, if you will.

    The unwillingness to face the reality of it is the danger, and believe me I know how comforting it is to have your head buried firmly in the sand. But it seems like you are making those first hesitant steps forward to try to shake off past behavior. Some days it will be overwhelming, I'm sure, but having a blog here, with what I have to say are some of the most sensible people I have ever "met" online (or in real life) will help you so much. It makes a huge difference. We are not just a bunch of bloggers using the same site. We are a support group, if you will. Just make a promise to yourself to be honest in what you post, the good and the bad, and it will help you get your feet firmly back underneath you.

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